


She is Enough

by chelseawinchester



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean POV, Depression Trigger, Depression warning, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 09:35:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8839534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chelseawinchester/pseuds/chelseawinchester





	

She just changed all of a sudden. I didn’t know what was wrong and I couldn’t get through to her. To be honest, it scared me. Instead of going on hunts, she just laid in bed. She didn’t eat as much as she used to, and she lost interest in her favorite show. I knew it was depression, but I had no idea why she was depressed. I hated that I couldn’t do anything for her; I really wanted to help her.

I walked into our room and saw her curled up in a ball, asleep, I assumed, with her earbuds in. I didn’t wake her up, I just quietly took off my shoes and jeans and exchanged my sweaty t-shirt for something clean. I carefully sat on the bed and laid down next to her, worried that my movements would wake her. Fortunately, she stayed sound asleep, and I laid close to her in case she needed me. I couldn’t sleep, afraid that she would wake up and need me to comfort her for some reason. It never happened, but for all I knew, it would one of these nights.

She used to be so lively, always excited about the hunt, even about research. Her idea of fun was to kill demons and wendigos and vampires. Well, that and taking Baby out for a drive. She loved putting on a good playlist in the kitchen and cooking with me, although a good portion of the time that wouldn’t end in food being made. Now, she just sat with Sam and I, insisting she was fine–hell, sometimes she would even try to be excited about the things she used to. But when it came to actually doing it, she would be too tired, or she had a headache, or she didn’t feel good.

Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t love her any less for this. I never would and never could. But this scared me as much as seeing her in danger from monsters.

Looking back at Y/N, she had shifted a bit in her sleep, lying closer to me. I wanted to know what was going on in that head of hers and fix it. I thought about calling Cas sometimes, but I knew she wouldn’t let him lay a hand on her. Most likely, she wanted help, but if she was anything like me, she didn’t want anyone here to know what was going on, and if Cas tried to help her, he would know. And if it had to do with me, he’d likely tell me.

I didn’t know for sure if the depression was because of me or had to do with me–at first, I thought it did because she wouldn’t talk to me about it, but then I realized she never talked about what was upsetting her after a grueling hunt. That meant there was no guarantee that this had anything to do with me.

Not that I was only worried about if it was my fault. I was much more worried about Y/N than my involvement in her depression, but I wanted to know if there was something I could change about myself in order to help her out.

I felt Y/N grip my arm pretty hard, and I looked down at her, realizing she was crying in her sleep. She jumped when I shook her awake. “Dean?” she said, her voice softer than I’d ever heard it. She almost sounded like a child.

“I’m here, Y/N. What’s wrong?”

“Just a bad dream, I guess. I’m fine.”

I sighed, knowing what “I’m fine” really meant. “Y/N. What’s going on?”

She just looked at me with her Y/E/C eyes, searching for the right words to say. Sighing, she uttered, “I’ve just… been thinking. About everything. This life, how hard it really is.”

“I know, babe.”

“We’ve saved a lot of people. So many people. But how many have we failed to get to? How many people in this country have died because we were somewhere else? Because we picked up someone else’s case instead of theirs? What if, by being in one town, we only saved one person there instead of ten somewhere else? I mean, I’m glad we were able to save that one person, I really am. But it’s not good enough, Dean. We will never be enough.”

To be honest, I thought about this almost every night. That guilt she was feeling was the same guilt I felt. We dealt with it in different ways, but knowing I wasn’t the only one who felt it was oddly relieving. But instead of telling her I felt the same way, I told her, “What if we didn’t do anything? When you look at it that way, you see how many we’ve really saved. Several years ago, I was caught by a djinn and I got a look at a world where I wasn’t a hunter. All of the people that Sam and I had saved up until that point had died. It’s how I got out of there, Y/N. I knew that those few people I had saved would be alive again. And it’s not just the people that would have died that we save. We save their family. We save their friends. We save others from feeling the pain of losing a loved one. We are enough, Y/N.” Tears were streaming down Y/N’s face, but she also had the smallest hint of a smile. “Hey,” I whispered, wiping her tears, “you have done so much. Please don’t ever think you haven’t. Please.” I choked up, needing her to know that people were alive and happy because of her.

She put her hands on my cheeks and her thumbs wiped away the tears I didn’t realize had fallen from my eyes. “Thank you. I love you, Dean, I love you so much. And I am so sorry I haven’t been here. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. You have absolutely no reason to, Y/N. I love you.” I kissed her softly, tasting her tears on her lips. I’m just glad she was here and that she finally talked to me. She may not have been back completely, but she wouldn’t be afraid to talk about what she’s feeling.

I needed her. It’s selfish, I know, but I needed her and having her back was good for both of us. I needed her smile, I needed her warmth, I needed her love.

I wasn’t whole without her.


End file.
